The Magna Charter

A poem by Marriott Edgar

I'll tell of the Magna Charter
As were signed at the Barons' command,
On Runningmead Island in t'middle of t'Thames
By King John, as were known as Lackland.

Some say it were wrong of the Barons
Their will on the King so to thrust,
But you'll see if you look at both sides of the case
That they had to do something or bust.

For John, from the moment they crowned him
Started acting so cunning and sly,
Being King of course, he couldn't do wrong,
But, by gum, he'd a proper good try.

He squandered the ratepayer's money
All their cattle and corn he did take
'Til there wasn't a morsel of bread in the land,
And the folk had to manage with cake.

The way he behaved to young Arther
Went to show as his feelings were bad,
He tried to get Hubert to poke out his eyes,
Which is no way to treat a young lad.

It were all right his being a tyrant
To vassals and folk of that class,
But he tried on his tricks with the Barons 'an all,
And that's where he made a Faux Pass.

He started bombarding their castles,
And burning them over their heads
'Till there wasn't enough castles left to go round,
And they had to sleep six in a bed.

So they went to the King in a body
And their spokesman Fitzwalter by name,
He opened the 'ole in his helmet and said,
Concil-latory like, "What's the game"

The King starts to shilly and shally,
He sits and he haws and he hums,
'Till the Barons in rage started gnashing their teeth,
And them with no teeth gnashed their gums.

Said Fitz, though the 'ole in his 'elmet
"It was you as put us in this plight"
And the King having nothing to say to this 'ere,
Murmured "Leave your address and I'll write".

This angered the gallant Fitzwalter;
He stamped on the floor with his foot,
And were starting to give John a rare ticking off,
When the 'ole in his 'elmet fell shut.

"We'll get him a Magna Charter"
Said Fitz when his face he had freed,
Said the Barons "That's right and if ones not enough,
Get a couple and happen they'll breed".

So they set about making a charter,
When at finish they'd got it all drawn up,
It looked like a paper on cattle disease,
Or the entries for next years World Cup.

Next day, King John, unsuspecting,
And having the afternoon free,
To Runningmead Island had taken a boat,
And were having some shrimps for his tea.

He had just pulled the 'ead off a big 'un,
And were pinching its tail with his thumb,
When up came a barge load of Barons,
Who said, "We thought you'd be here, so we've come.

When they told him they'd brought Magna Charter,
The King seemed to go kind of limp,
But minding his manners he took off his hat,
And said, "Thanks very much, have a shrimp".

"You'd best sign at once," said Fitzwalter,
"If you don't I'll tell thee for a start,
The next coronation will happen quite soon,
And you won't be there to take part"

So they spread Charter out on t'tea table,
And John signed his name like a lamb,
His writing in places was sticky and thick
Through dipping his pen in the jam.

And it's through that there Magna Charter,
As were signed by the Barons of old,
That in England today we can do what we like,
Just so long as we do what we're told.

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