Breitmann in Politics I. The Nomination

A poem by Charles G. Leland

Vhen ash de var vas ober,
und Beace her shnow-wice vings
Vas vafin’ o’er de coondry
(in shpodts) like efery dings
Und heroes vere revardtet,
de beople all pegan
To say ’tvas shame
dat nodings vas done for Breitemann.

No man wised how id vas shtartet,
or vhere de fore shlog came,
Boot dey shveared it vas a cinder,
dereto a purnin’ shame:
“Dere is Schnitzerl in de Gustom-House
potzblitz! can dis dings be!
Und Breitemann he hafe nodings:
vot sighds is dis to see!

“Nod de virst ret cendt for Breitmann!
ish dis do pe de gry
On de man dat sacked de repels
und trinked dem high und dry?
By meine Seel’ I shvears id,
und vhat’s more I deglares id’s drue,
He vonce gleaned oudt a down in half an our,
und shtripped id strumpf und shoe.

“Vhen dey ploondered de down of Huntsville,
I dells you vot, py tam!
He burned oop four biano-fords
and a harp to roast a ham;
Vhen he found de rouge und émail de Paris,
which de laties hafe hid in a shpot,
He whited his horse all ofer
und denn pinked his ears, bei Gott!

“Vhen he found dat a blace was ploonder-fool,
he alvays tell dem, sure:
‘Men, sack und pack! I shoots mine eyes
for only shoost an uhr.’
Boot if de blace vas fery rich,
he vouldt say mit a solemn mien:
‘Men I only shleep for von half uhr more
ve moost hafe tiscipline.’

“He vas shoost like König Etzel,
of whom de shdory dell,
Der Hun who go for de Romans
und gife dem shinin hell:
Only dis dat dey say no grass vouldt crow
vhere Etzel’s horse had trot.
Und I really peliefe vhere Breitmann go,
de hops shpring oop, bei Gott!”

If once you tie a dog loose,
dere ish more soon geds aroundt,
Und vhen dis vas shtartedt on Breitmann
id was rings aroom be-foundt;
Dough vhy he moost hafe somedings
vas nod by no means glear,
Nor tid id, like Paulus’ confersion,
on de snap to all abbear!

Und, in facdt, Balthazar Bumchen saidt
he couldtent nicht blainly see
Vhy a feller for gaddrin’ riches
shood dus revartedt pe:
Der Breitmann own drei Houser,
mit a weinhandle in a stohr,
Dazu ein Lager-Wirthschaft,
und sonst was somedings more.

Dis plasted plackguard none-sense
ve couldn’t no means shtand
From a narrow-mineted shvine’s kopf,
of our nople captain grand:
Soosh low, goarse, betty bornirtheit
a shentleman deplores;
So ve called him verfluchter Hundsfott,
und shmysed him out of toors.

So ve all dissolfed dat Breitmann
shouldt hafe a nomination
To go to de Legisladoor,
to make some dings off de nation;
Mit de helb of a Connedigut man,
in whom ve hafe great hobes,
Who hat shange his boledics fivdeen dimes,
und derefore knew de robes.

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